The Guardian
by Oneturtledove
Summary: They were supposed to be a family. No one knew it would happen without him.
1. Discovery

_Hello? Anyone out there? Okay well I have been gone so long from this site that I didn't remember how to upload. So there's that._  
 _And here is this. I've been working on this for oh about three years or so now. It's transformed in some big ways but mostly in small ones. I still don't know which ending to choose. I've been putting off uploading mostly because of the haters (do we call them hatters here or is that another fandom?) but also because I am super lazy and have had writers block._  
 _Fair warning: This is Castle-Lite. And what I mean by that is there is not a ton of Castle himself in this story for a while. One, because that's just how the idea presented itself, and two because I am TERRIBLE at writing him and I cannot subject people to too much of it. So if that's not your cup of tea that is okay because there is a lot of other tea in the world._  
 _So here we go, I'll just be over here watching Bob Ross and humming until the nerves go away._

 **The Guardian**

Twenty one days. The magical number, the perfect amount of time, the gateway to forming a new habit. A person could make a habit of washing their dishes daily, walking a mile, or taking their vitamins all in twenty one measly days. With determination, many things could be accomplished in twenty one days. A person was capable of great things, in only that short amount of time.

Unfortunately, there were some things that couldn't be solved in twenty one days, and for Kate Beckett, the disappearance of her fiancé was the most stark of those mysteries. For the last three weeks she had been searching for him; making dozens of phone calls, conducting interviews with countless people, and running down every lead no matter how insane it seemed at the time. She ate when it was necessary for survival, slept even less, and couldn't remember the last time she had been home. She had never meant to, never wanted to, but in the last twenty one days, she had formed habits borne of trying to live apart from him.

"Beckett."

The detective didn't budge from her seat, eyes focused on the picture of him. She stared as if she could pull the answers from the glossy photo, like his soul was imprinted on the paper and it would speak to her if only she tried hard enough.

"Beckett."

Interrupting Detective Ryan, at it again.

"What?"

"Captain Gates wants to see you."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Is there anything you want me to follow up on?"

"I don't have anything, Ryan."

He simply nodded and retreated to his own desk while Kate stood and headed for the Captains office.

"Sir, you wanted to see me?"

"Close the door, Kate."

The rarely used first name sent shivers down her spine but she obeyed, sinking into one of the chairs near the desk.

"I just had a call from Agent Shaw," Captain Gates began. She kept her expression neutral and Kate schooled hers similarly.

"What did she say?"

"She and her team will be back in town tomorrow. She's going to tell you that the FBI is scaling back the investigation. I wanted to let you know and give you some time to absorb the information before it becomes official."

"Scaling back."

"Agent Shaw says that regrettably, none of the leads have panned out to anything, and we don't know much more than we knew at day one. There are many who believe that Mr. Castle left of his own volition, and though I nor Agent Shaw are of that belief, the shots are not called by gut instinct."

"I know."

"Kate, we will not stop looking. We are losing resources but that doesn't mean we're giving up. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir."

"In the meantime, have you been home?"

"No, sir."

"I think you should go and do that."

"I'm fine."

"You aren't going to be able to find him if you don't take care of yourself. You know I have protective detail on Mr. Castle's mother and daughter, correct?"

"I didn't know."

"I can no longer justify the expense and I don't believe it is needed at this time, but Castle's daughter has a tendency to wander and I worry what may happen when the detail is gone."

"Wander?"

"At night mostly."

"What? No, she's too responsible for that."

"She took the A train as far north as she could. She's been wandering Fort Tryon Park for over two hours. I can have the detail bring her back but-"

"No, she won't go with them. I'll go get her."

Kate stood from the chair effectively ending the conversation. In the search for Castle she had forgotten one of the most imperative elements. Looking out for Alexis. How could she have forgotten that? Castle would probably want her to forgo looking for him and focus on his daughter instead. Was she ever going to get the hang of this family thing?

* * *

It took over half an hour after disembarking the train that Kate finally found Alexis walking one of the trails in the park. She breathed a sigh of relief then quickened her pace to catch up and fall into the step next to the girl.

"How did you find me?"

"Gates has a protective detail on you and Martha."

"Oh."

"Want to come home?"

"Do you?"

Kate glanced over to find Alexis' eyes full of tears, ones she seemed to have been holding back for quite some time.

"I think we need to talk about that."

"I think we need to talk about a lot of things."

"Okay. Let's go home, hmm?"

"Yeah."

Kate didn't know what came over her, but she found herself pulling Alexis closer and whispering that everything was going to be alright. It might not ever be true but at least for a moment it made them feel better.

"There was a detail on us?" Alexis asked once they had found seats on the train. "I didn't notice."

"That's kind of the point."

"Has Paula been calling you?"

"Yes. You?"

"I had to turn my phone off. She started calling the phone in dad's office. I had to pull the cord. And then she showed up at the door."

"Did she come in?"

"I didn't answer but she knocked for ten minutes before she gave up. They really want a statement."

"Yeah well that's not your job and she knows that. I'll call her."

"It's not your job either."

"Maybe not but I think she can stand to receive a piece of my mind."

Alexis sighed and leaned her head onto Kate's shoulder.

"Are you alright?" she asked in a voice that sounded much like she had as a young child.

"No. Are you?"

"Not even a little."

"I'm sorry I haven't been-"

"You've been looking for dad. You never have to apologize for that."

"I've wanted to come home," Kate tried to explain. "It's just… I mean…"

"You thought we didn't want you there."

"Maybe."

"You're stupid," Alexis sighed.

"I know."

They rode in silence for the rest of the trip and when they reached their stop, carefully unfolded themselves from the hard plastic seat.

"Did you eat yet?"

"No."

"Should we order something?"

Alexis just shrugged and turned one street early so they could sneak into the back of the building and avoid the few reporters that were outside.

"Food sounds terrible and I'll probably end up getting sick anyway."

"You haven't been eating?"

"I try. Sometimes I can but…"

"The stress doesn't help."

"No, it doesn't."

Kate frowned and pushed the button for their floor. Wandering around at night was bad enough but it looked like Alexis wasn't taking care of herself at all. Kate herself hadn't been a great example, and she was going to have to change that, fast. Castle didn't need to come home to find them both at their worst.

"Why don't you go change and I'll order something."

"I'm not hungry."

"Neither am I. Chinese?"

"Yeah, okay."

Alexis unlocked the door and they stepped into the darkened loft quietly. It didn't seem that Martha was home, and Kate took a deep breath before reaching over to turn the light on.

The furniture was rearranged, the windows were covered, and the entire place smelled like it had been scrubbed to surgical standards.

"I had to do something," Alexis explained with a shrug. "I'm going to go change."

Kate nodded and moved into the kitchen where she pulled open the junk drawer to grab a menu. The junk drawer had been reassigned to be the potholder drawer, though it was incredibly far from the stove, and Kate spent the next few minutes trying to riddle out where everything had moved to and what kind of sense it made. She finally found the menu and called in their normal order- without Castle's- and put the menu back in the drawer next to the fridge, then turned the water kettle on to boil. Tea with dinner could only help, after all, and she knew that a cup of plain Lipton would transport her temporarily back to pre-bedtime tea parties with her mother.

"I texted Gram to see if she was coming home," Alexis announced as she came down the stairs. "I thought the fact that you were home might persuade her but she said she was busy."

"Busy doing what?"

"I don't know."

Kate turned around to look at Alexis, and startled at the sight. The girl was pale, her eyes dull, her hair devoid of any shine. Her lack of eating was incredibly obvious, but there was something else, a little nugget of information that didn't fully form in Kate's mind until she was voicing the words.

"Alexis, are you pregnant?"

She didn't mean to ask so boldly. Alexis looked down, realized her shirt was tighter than she had thought, and wasn't masking the small but tell-tale bump.

"Yeah."

Silence hung there between them in the kitchen as they both tried to come up with what to say next. There were millions of questions, some with answers and some without and it took a great deal of effort for Kate to silence them all, walk the four feet to Alexis and pull the girl into a hug.

Still, nothing was said.

They stood like that for a long time, both of them taking advantage of feeling not quite so alone, for the first time in a while. Alexis held back tears for as long as she could but suddenly with almost no warning, they fell hard and she was gasping for air.

"It's okay," Kate tried to reassure. "It's going to be alright."

"I want dad."

"I know, honey. I know."

"Please don't leave me."

"I won't. I'm right here, I won't go anywhere."

Alexis coughed as she tried to catch her breath, and Kate rubbed her back gently before pulling back to look at her face.

"Let's go sit down, huh?"

Alexis nodded and scraped her hair back from her face.

"I tried to tell dad so many times," she explained through the hiccups. "But every time I just saw his heart breaking and I couldn't do it. I didn't want to ruin the wedding. I didn't want to start a fight. So I put it off and put it off for weeks and now…"

"Honey, how far along are you?"

"F-four months."

Kate gasped and pulled Alexis close again.

"You've been doing this all on your own?"

"Yes."

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. We should have figured it out. We should have been there for you."

"It's not your fault."

"I'm so sorry you were alone in it, sweetie. I won't ever let that happen again."

"I know."

The silence joined them there on the couch, two women in the midst of grief and confusion. It settled hard over them; all that could be heard was gentle breathing and the ticking of Kate's watch.

"I don't know what to do."

"I don't either."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for this, Alexis. Never."

"I haven't told anyone. Not gram or my mom. And now I put it on you. I shouldn't."

"Stop. We're a family. And I know you don't know this because I'm really bad at saying it, but I love you. I'm here for whatever you need. Always will be."

"Really?"

"Of course. I know I can never love you the way your dad does, but I'll do my best okay?"

"He would be so mad."

"Probably at first but I don't think it would take him all that long to come around."

"I kept picturing it in my head. How I would tell him. I just never imagined that he wouldn't be here."

"I know."

"How am I supposed to be a mom? I don't know what I'm doing."

"I don't think anyone does. Have you told Pi?"

"How did you know?"

"I know you better than you think I do."

"He was there when I took the test."

"Has he been supportive?"

"He doesn't want to be a dad. I mean, he hasn't bailed. He's scared. I don't know if that is going to get better or worse when the baby gets here. I don't know if I'm going to be a single parent or not."

The forgotten kettle on the stove began to squeal and Kate rushed over to move it. Her entire body felt like lead and she didn't know if she was ever going to feel light again. She made two cups of tea and took them back over to the couch where Alexis was sitting with a hand on her stomach.

"Do you guys talk about it much or…"

"I don't want to push him away. We're not together, I don't have the right to be on his case about it. He has to decide for himself."

"Well that's very noble, but you're about to have a kid who might like to have a dad."

"I know."

"Are you okay?"

"I don't want my kid to grow up with a mom who's sad all the time. Someone who's always stressed out, fighting with its father, angry. Dad never let me see that kind of stuff when I was little and I don't want my kid to grow up differently."

"It's okay to be sad and angry and stressed out."

"I know it's okay. I just don't want to be. I want… This is not how I planned things. Even a month ago, I felt like I could do it. But now? I don't even know which way is up anymore."

Kate nodded in understanding. It did feel like the bottom had fallen out of the world.


	2. Despair

Trying to upload once a week. Might be less than that, I've heard some rumblings around that translate to much more of my time being spoken for, but I'll try my best.

* * *

Sleep did not come easily to anyone in the loft that night, and Kate finally gave up around four a.m. finding herself at the precinct just as the sun was coming up. She felt like everything was piling up on her even more than it had been twelve hours ago. Castle being gone, the investigation stalling and no one believing he would be home was unbearable. But now there was a step daughter and a baby that needed her attention too and she just wanted to scream to anyone that would listen that she was only one person and she couldn't handle all of this at once.

She was on her fifth cup of subpar coffee that she barely tasted anyway, when Jordan Shaw arrived. Though Kate already knew what was about to happen, the reality of it formed a hard brick in her stomach anyway. She wanted to run out of the building, because if she wasn't there, if they couldn't tell her they were scaling back, then they couldn't do it right? Kate knew how childish it was to even begin thinking that way, but she also knew that she wasn't responsible for her emotions right now and who would dare tell her to feel any different?

Staying at her desk and pretending to be occupied with paperwork, Kate watched Shaw and Captain Gates out of the corner of her eye, surprised at how upset Gates looked. She couldn't hear what was being said but she could hear how loudly they were speaking and the fact that Shaw simply stood there and took it left little hope for Kate. Or for Castle, for that matter.

Just as she was about to get up for another cup of coffee and something to do other than waiting here, the door swung open and Jordan Shaw strode out. She was standing rigidly, unflappable, but there was something else crossing her face that Kate didn't want to ever see. It was something akin to defeat.

"Detective Beckett."

"Agent Shaw."

"May I speak with you for a moment?" Shaw asked, gesturing to the other room.

"You can say it here. I know already."

"Detective."

"You're dropping the case. I know. Everyone thinks Castle left of his own accord and no one wants to waste resources on a missing person who decided to stay missing. I know. I get it."

"That's not exactly everything."

"It's all I need to know. Three weeks and money are the bottom line. I get it."

"Detective Beckett, we should really go somewhere more private."

Reluctantly, Kate followed. What else could Shaw possibly have to say? There wasn't anything that would make this any better.

"Look, I have leads I need to double check on this morning, I don't have time to sit here and-"

"Jackson Hunt doesn't exist."

Leave it to a decorated FBI Agent to get right to the point.

"Okay, but we know that's not his real name."

"The alias does not exist either, Kate. The CIA denies knowledge of any operatives, authorized or otherwise, matching the description you gave us."

"Did you check DNA? Run Castle's against known-"

"It's not that easy, Kate. As far as we can tell, this man has no birth, death, marriage, criminal, or law enforcement records. He's a ghost."

"I've seen him."

"I'm not doubting that. But I don't think that the man you encountered was ever a CIA Agent."

"No, he's too good. He may be a con man but that's not all he is. No one could pull off a hoax as elaborate as that."

"I've read the files, Kate. Castle's daughter's kidnapping, the things that happened earlier this year. Everything you told me to read, from your end and from more official channels. His involvement has been scrubbed, if it even happened at all."

"I'm telling you, he exists. Ask Alexis, ask Martha! They know."

"I don't distrust you, Kate. But you are giving me evidence that I cannot verify, and believe me I have tried."

"So you're just giving up. Still. You're not even curious as to who this person was."

"Curiosity is not the driving force behind the FBI, Detective."

"I'm sure all avenues of investigation must begin with some kind of curiosity."

"Yes, but it cannot be aimless curiosity. I don't want to argue semantics with you Kate. I just needed to let you know that as far as the FBI is concerned, the case is on the back burner."

"Fine."

"If it were up to me-"

"Doesn't matter. Thank you for your honesty."

Kate stood up from the chair and exited the room despite Shaw's protests. She couldn't listen to the bureaucratic garbage any longer and couldn't stay in a place where everyone was hanging onto the party line. Everyone was against her, no one believed, no one was giving Castle the benefit of the doubt. They didn't think he was worth it.

Kate found herself in Lanie's office with no memory of how she got there. She'd bypassed the light in the morgue but turned on the desk lamp and flopped into the chair across from the desk to wait. It wasn't long before Lanie entered, dropping her things onto the desk and taking the chair next to Kate.

"What happened?"

And that's when Kate completely fell apart. Her entire body shook violently as screaming sobs ripped from her throat. Every tear that had fallen up to this point had been interrupted but holding it all back had just been a mess waiting to happen. It felt like Castle was already being declared dead, being buried six feet under. She was screaming that he was still alive but no one was listening. They'd all given up.

Neither one of them knew how long they sat there until Kate could catch her breath again, but it didn't really matter.

"Sweetie, what happened?"

Kate spilled the entire story out, making sure to throw in every lead that she thought held any merit at all; especially the ones that the FBI should have checked out. She became less sad and more angry with every point she made and by the time she was finished she was so exhausted she could barely sit up. She slumped against Lanie's shoulder and took another shuddering breath.

"Alexis told me last night that she's pregnant."

"What?!"

"And I need to be there for her because she probably feels more alone than I do. Just the look on her face, Lanie. I wanted to make it all better for her and I can't. I can't do anything."

"Yes you can. You can make it through anything."

"But what if I can't? What if I can't be there for her and I can't bring Castle home and I can't keep my head above water? What if it all falls apart?"

"Well that's not what's going to happen today. You have to take care of today before you worry about tomorrow. You can do that. And you're not all alone. Don't for one second think that you can shut any of us out and try to be Wonder Woman. It's not going to prove anything. We're a village, Kate."

"I know."

"Then lean somewhere. We'll hold you up."

* * *

By the end of the day, all Kate wanted was to go home. She hadn't felt like that in three weeks but today as the world crashed down again, there was no other safe place she could think of. When she arrived all of the lights were off and the front room was empty. She knew that Alexis was home; the protective detail had confirmed it less than half an hour before. Still unsure of her place but forging ahead anyway, Kate made her way up the stairs and knocked on Alexis' door.

"It's Kate, can I come in?"

"Yeah."

She pushed the door open and found the girl curled up in bed with every blanket she owned on top of her. It was just like the nests she'd made for herself after Paris and Kate's heart broke even more at how much the girl needed her father.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"I told Meredith."

Kate didn't miss the sting in Alexis' voice, and she felt that any other information would be superfluous. It was obvious how the conversation had played out.

"What did I do wrong?"

"What?"

Alexis sniffled.

"I had to have done something, right? For her to treat me the way she does?"

"What did she say?"

"At first she seemed excited but then she told me I would be just like her. Like she thinks she was a good parent. And I don't know, I just got so mad because she was never there, she never cared that she wasn't there and she knows that it hurt me. And she thinks I'm going to do that to my child? That's how little she thinks of me? So I yelled at her. I told her everything she'd done wrong and how it made me feel. And she tried to tell me it was dad's fault. She told me all these awful lies about him, that he kept me away from her on purpose and that he treated her badly. And then she said that he probably ran off as a publicity stunt. She said he's always been that selfish and shallow and she's happy I have no choice but to see it now. My dad could be dead and she acts like… it's just a tabloid story. I couldn't take it anymore so I told her I never want to talk to her again."

"Oh honey. I'm so sorry," Kate whispered as she kneeled on the floor next to the bed.

"I feel like a terrible person. All my life everyone has told me to give her another chance and another chance and I just…"

"Alexis, she's hurt you. It's okay to remove yourself from that situation. And she's never given you a chance, has she?"

"No."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that honey. It's not fair."

"I don't want to hate her. She's my mother. Whether I like it or not, I'm stuck with her forever. What if this baby feels that way about me? What if I totally screw them up? What if I'm too stupid to even realize it before it's too late?"

"Alexis, stop. That's not going to happen. You and I both know that. It's not like you to be so self deprecating. Don't let her have that power over you."

"I hate her. I guess I never should have assumed she'd be someone to rely on. I don't know why I thought she'd be helpful. All she had to do was be happy for me. She didn't have to bring up dad at all. She didn't have to start telling me all those things… I can't get them out of my head. And now, no matter what, I'm always going to remember how this conversation went. I'm always going to know that even this baby doesn't matter to her as much as having the last word."

Kate didn't know what else to do. Castle would know exactly what to say, would have his daughter up and smiling in mere minutes. But here she sat, completely inadequate.

"You're not like her, Alexis. You never will be."

"You think so?"

"Oh sweetheart, I know it."

"I'm so tired. I'm so tired and I just want my dad."

She started to cry and Kate reached over to try and wipe her tears.

"I know you do, sweetie. I'm so sorry."

"Not your fault."

Kate was quiet and Alexis scowled.

"If this was your fault you would have figured it out and he'd be home by now. Don't blame yourself."

"I would do anything to bring him back."

"I know you would."

"Listen, I love you and I'm here for you, okay? And not just because your dad is gone."

"Thank you."

"Have you slept?"

"Not really."

"Have you tried?"

"No."

"You need to sleep. I know it's hard but you have to take care of yourself."

"I have too many nightmares when I sleep."

"I do too."

"Kate?"

"Hmm?"

"Don't leave."

"I'll stay right here."

Alexis' eyes were already sliding closed and Kate ran a hand through her hair, hoping to calm her a little bit more.

"Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"Love you too. Sorry I don't say it."

"It's okay. I know."

"You make dad so happy."

"He makes me happy too."

"I know."

"Go to sleep, Alexis. You'll feel better when you wake up."

"Don't know how I can take care of a baby," she mumbled, half asleep. "Can't even take care of myself."

"You'll do it, honey. It'll be just fine."

The words sounded so stupid coming out of her mouth, like a politician making baseless campaign promises. How useless she was. What had ever made her think that she could do this family thing? She couldn't protect any of them, she couldn't ease any of the pain, and she certainly couldn't provide any answers.

And how in the world was she going to go about finding Jackson Hunt?


	3. Disclosure

Before we begin, thanks to the guest reviewer who pointed out the misstep with my summary! Definitely needed to reword that.  
And to answer another question, yes Castle will be in this. No, it will not be very soon.  
And another fair warning: If you hate Pi and don't think he can ever be redeemed, back quickly away.

* * *

Several days passed before Martha could be convinced to come to dinner. For some reason she was avoiding them both; she slipped into the loft late and out again early, if she bothered coming home at all. Kate had to talk to her about it because there was more going on than a busy production season, and this was not like Martha at all.

Regardless, they had finally worked her into a place where she couldn't come up with an excuse, and though reluctant, she was on her way to the loft. Alexis was shaky with nerves, dreading disappointing her grandmother. The circumstances and timing were less than ideal and Kate was certain that Martha would be nothing but supportive, but Alexis wouldn't believe that. She kept fretting all around the loft and by the time Martha arrived, Alexis was in no state to sit down and have dinner.

"Hello darlings," Martha greeted with none of her usual enthusiasm. "I brought wine!"

Alexis sighed and moved to set the table while Kate took the bottle and poured two glasses.

"So, what prompted the dinner demands?" Martha continued, flitting her hands in the air.

"Well we haven't seen you in weeks," Alexis explained somewhat coolly. "And we're still a family, aren't we?"

"Of course dear," Martha agreed. She downed half the glass of wine and Kate flinched at the gusto. It hit just a little too close to home and she started to suspect why Martha had been avoiding the loft. "Shall we eat?"

It was the most awkward few moments that Kate could remember ever experiencing in the loft, as they all sat down to eat in silence. Martha seemed to want to get out of there as soon as possible, and Kate gently kicked Alexis under the table to try and get the ball rolling. She received a mutinous look in return.

"So Katherine, how is the investigation going?"

Her tone was so informal, as if she were asking about any other case, and Kate startled as how unaffected Martha seemed.

"It's… we don't have any answers yet."

"I understand."

Silence fell again and Alexis looked like she was about to burst into tears. What had happened to her warm, loving, colorful grandmother?

"Martha-"

"Gram, I'm pregnant."

If the silence before was heavy, the silence now was crushing.

"You are?"

"Yes. Four months. I've been hiding it."

"Oh," Martha breathed, standing up and moving to her granddaughter. "Oh my baby. It's going to be alright. Don't worry."

"I'm scared."

"I know. It's terrifying. But it's also one of the most fulfilling, wonderful things that can possibly ever happen."

Kate breathed a sigh of relief. Whatever was going on with Martha was neither here nor there; Alexis needed to hear about the good parts of this.

"Sweetheart, you are going to be such a wonderful mother."

"You think so?"

"A million times better than I ever was. Oh darling, this child will be so lucky to have you."

Alexis sniffled and wiped at her eyes. No matter how many times Kate had reassured her, what she really needed was Martha.

"I'm going to need your help, Gram."

"I know."

"I need you to be around more."

Martha hesitated, and her eyes drifted to Kate before settling on the table.

"I'll do my best, darling."

Martha moved back to her own seat, unaware of how devastated Alexis looked.

"Thanks, Gram."

Kate felt anger bubbling up in her chest and she hoped Alexis would escape up to her room soon so she could lay into Martha for her apparent lack of interest.

"So what are your plans for school?"

"I can keep going. I can take most of it online and the rest I can do at night. Kate said she'd help me and I can probably find a nanny if I need to."

"It sounds like you have it under control."

"Under control?" Alexis questioned under her breath, glancing over at Kate. "I can't do this."

She stood up from the table with no excuse and sped up the stairs while Martha looked on, bewildered.

"What did I say?"

Kate slammed her fork down on the table, surprised at how angry she was.

"You'll try to be around more? Her father is missing, her mother is worthless and all you can give her is trying to be around? She needs you. I know you're grieving and upset. We all are. But that doesn't mean you walk away from her."

"I am not walking away from her Katherine!"

"You're never here!"

"Neither are you."

"I am now. I am home every night and not just to sleep, not just to drink myself into a stupor."

"Do you know how hard it is to walk through that door?" Martha shouted with a strain in her voice that sounded painful. "Every time I do, I lose my son all over again. I remember that he is never coming home. Do you think I want to go through that every day?"

"He's coming home!" Kate shouted. She hadn't been this outraged, this vehement about something before. Not to the point where her hands shook and goosebumps rose all over her body.

"He's gone, Katherine."

"No he is not! He's not gone. He's not gone and he's coming home."

"I understand that you need to believe but I need to let go."

The last words were said in a whisper, and it felt like the fact of loss had become another entity in the room.

"It doesn't matter what we think. Your granddaughter needs you, Martha. She needs you more than she ever has before. You are the only one who can help her through this. You're the only one who has been where she is. I will be there for her and I will love her and I will do anything I can to help her but she needs you."

Martha's chin quivered lightly and her gaze dropped to the floor.

"I don't know if I can."

"I don't know if any of us can. Not apart."

"My darling," Martha sighed as she pulled Kate into her arms. "I've been so wrong."

"I don't want Alexis to lose you like I lost my father. I don't want her to worry about you or wonder why you're not there for her. Please, Martha. Please don't make her do that."

"I don't want to let her down but I cannot be here. You don't know how much it hurts."

"I don't know," Kate replied with as much patience as she could.

"I will be there for her but I can't be here. Not now. His presence is too heavy."

"I know."

"I have to go."

"Please go up and tell her you love her. I know it's hard to be here-"

Martha nodded and pulled away to head up the stairs. Kate stood and watched her go but couldn't muster up the courage to put the abandoned dinner away, and she ended up in the bedroom, thrown across the comforter, weeping harder than she'd allowed herself to in over a week. This was so much more work that she'd ever imagined, this family thing, and now she was doing it without the one person who tied them all together. Not to mention all he had to miss out on. It wasn't fair, it was scary and Kate was afraid that Martha was right.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and when she looked up it was almost dark outside.

"Kate."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Alexis asked softly, tipping her head to the side.

"Everything. And you shouldn't see me like this."

"Shut up," Alexis sighed. She sat down on the bed and pulled Kate's head into her lap. "I think we're beyond that point by now."

"But-"

"Don't. I know you're going to say something about how you're the adult but that's crap. I'm an adult too."

"I'm supposed to take care of you."

"And who's going to take care of you, Kate?"

Silence settled.

"It's what dad would want. Both of us being there for each other. You know how happy that would make him?"

"Yeah. It would."

"Gram thinks he's gone."

"I think it's easier for her to think that. It makes more sense. She can deal with it that way."

Kate sat up and rubbed at her eyes, then tried to clear her dry throat. She felt like she was in a fog and nothing was really real anymore.

"I don't think he's dead, Kate. I would feel different if he was gone."

"The sun would stop rising," Kate agreed. "He's still alive. Somewhere. I'll find him. I won't give up."

"I know."

"Are you feeling okay? Tonight was…"

Alexis shrugged.

"Gram and I talked for a while. I don't know what she's feeling but I understand and that's all I can do."

"You shouldn't have to understand."

"She needs time. And I… I have you."

"You always will."

"Thank you."

"So what do we do now?"

"I don't know," Alexis sighed. "I feel like I'm putting a lot on you."

"You're not. I mean, it's a lot but you're not forcing me to do anything."

"Helping with the baby is going to be a lot."

"Alexis, I don't care. It's not some random child. It's your baby. I love it and I'll do everything I can to help. Even if your dad was here, I would still help as much as I could."

"I feel like I'm making everything harder for everyone."

"It's gonna be hard honey but that doesn't mean that it's going to be bad."

"I'm mad that dad doesn't get to be here."

"I am too. He would be really excited to be a grandpa. I mean, once the shock that you're not 5 years old wore off."

Alexis sniffled.

"The baby's been kicking a lot. I should be able to tell Pi and Gram and my mother but you're the only one who cares."

"They care, sweetie. I think we just need to have a little patience as everyone figures things out. But they care."

"Meredith doesn't."

"Okay, she probably doesn't. But that's not your fault."

"I know."

"Have you talked to Pi at all?"

Alexis shrugged.

"I don't want to push the issue. He's being supportive and he's saving money for the baby too, but I'm afraid if I harp on it he'll disappear."

"Do you really think that or have you been watching MTV again?"

"Kate."

"Ooh, I got a smile out of that one."

"Shut up you watch it too."

"On the sly, you're not supposed to throw that in my face."

Alexis smiled and dropped her head to Kate's shoulder.

"You know, if dad is grandpa, does that make you grandma?"

"That's not cool, kid. Not cool at all."

* * *

The next day Kate found herself at the farmer's market at lunchtime, looking for Pi. It was his third job and it was lucky he happened to be working today, when she was able to get away. The fact that Alexis was so unsure about where her baby's father stood on the issue of parenting had Kate frustrated and worried. She needed to talk to Pi herself and figure out where he was coming from.

"Hey," she greeted, once Pi had a lull in customers.

"Hi."

"Do you have time to talk?"

"I do," Pi said with a nod, as he opened the small fridge next to the register. "Want a drink?"

"No thanks."

They moved over to one of the picnic tables between the booths and sat down uncomfortably. The last time they had seen each other was when Alexis was moving out. Pi had never been anything but kind and understanding and Kate didn't feel like this conversation was going to be horrible, but she didn't know Pi very well and he may not want to open up to her either.

"Is Alexis okay?"

Kate nodded.

"As well as she can be."

"Any news on Mr. C.?"

"No, not yet."

"I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

"I know you're here to talk about the baby."

"I need to know what's going on. Alexis has been vague. I don't know if that's because she doesn't know what you want or she doesn't understand."

Pi dropped his gaze to the table and sat that way for a while. He must have been taking a time to gather his thoughts because after a while he looked up and met her eye.

"I guess I never really explained it to her very well."

"Want to clue me in? All she said is that you want to be supportive but you don't want to be a dad."

"That's somewhat accurate."

"Can you explain that a little, Pi? Because it sounds like you're just planning to have one foot out the door."

"I don't intend to. Has Alexis told you about my parents?"

"No, she hasn't."

"There's a reason I left home at 16, moved to Amsterdam and spent the last few years traveling. They weren't good parents. Or good people. I don't want to end up that way with my child."

"What makes you think that you will?"

"I'm not going to be a good dad. Not the way Mr. C. is. I want to be around and I want to help Alexis out and be there for my son or daughter. But if I mess up, I don't want them to know that I am their father. It hurts more when family betrays you."

Kate frowned. It didn't make complete sense to her but she understood his fear.

"Okay. You need to explain that to her. She's very alone right now and she trusts you. And whatever you decide about your child, the two of you are going to be bound together for the rest of your lives."

"I know."

"She'll always have that door open for you. And if you can't be a dad, if you look down at your child and you really think you can't do it, then you need to remove yourself from the situation immediately. I won't stand for someone walking in and out on Alexis and the baby. I won't let you do to that baby what Alexis' mother did to her."

"I don't want to be that guy. I promise you."

"It's scary. I understand that. But you're going to have to make the decision one way or another."

"I want to be there. I want to be a good dad. And I don't want Alexis to go through any of it alone. She could do it but she shouldn't have to."

"I agree."

"I'm trying. I've never even held a baby before. I don't know what to do. So I signed up for infant care classes at the hospital. And then I found out that they offer free parenting classes, so I signed up for that too."

"Pi, it sounds to me like you want to be a dad, but you don't know what to expect and that scares you."

"I'm a coward," he mumbled, looking down at the table.

"I concede that you may have reason to be. But you aren't your parents. They didn't do it right. Just do the opposite."

Pi was quiet for a moment and Kate sighed deeply.

"Listen, I'm not going to make you make a decision right now. That's not my place. But working three jobs to save up for the baby, taking parenting classes, checking in with Alexis every week like you have been? That tells me a lot. You have five months until the baby is here. Do you want to spend that being unsure, or do you want to spend it getting ready?"

"Do you do interrogations for a living or something?"

Kate gave a half smile.

"Talk to Alexis about this. Don't leave her in the dark anymore. It isn't helping anything."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't tell me. Tell her."

"I will. But I'm apologizing to you too because I know how much you care about her and if she's hurt then you are too."

"I think you know a lot more about family than you think."

Pi nodded. Kate could tell that his apprehension really was based on the fear of his shortcomings, and she felt herself softening towards him somewhat.

"I think we all need to leave last fall in the past. A lot of mistakes were made and I think we all had a hand in dealing with it improperly, but that's over now, and there's a baby on the way. That has to be more important than the fact that there were too many people living under one roof. I think at this point, Castle would probably agree with me."

"I hope so. We talked about things after a while and I don't think he hated me, but when he makes it back home, I don't want him to be upset that I'm the father of his grandchild."

Kate shrugged slightly.

"I don't think you need to worry about him being upset about anything. He'll just be glad to be home. I've got to head out, but will you please talk to Alexis about all of this?"

"I'll call her as soon as I clock out."

"Thanks. And if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask."

"Same to you," Pi responded with a smile. "And good luck. Be safe, yeah?"

"I will."


	4. Define

Sorry so short and sappy and "filler-chapter-ish." Next weeks chapter might be late as I "have to" go work over at the coast and it will also be a six day stretch, so I might not have the time or energy for the final edit.

* * *

Alexis woke hours earlier than normal that Friday morning and lay in bed staring at the ceiling with one hand over her stomach. Today was the big ultrasound, the one that everyone said would "make it more real." The little flutters under her hand had already served to make it all real. The fact that there was a small stack of tiny clothes on the top of her dresser and a brand new swing in the corner had made it real.

As much as she wanted to know more about the little life growing inside of her, there was a part of her that liked the mystery. She felt like knowing would make this baby real to everyone else and for right now she liked keeping him or her all to herself. And although Pi was jumping into baby preparation with both feet, she still felt that this was her child and her child alone. It must have been just how her dad had felt for most of her life.

After an hour or so she pulled herself out of bed and staggered to the shower. She remembered those early days of pregnancy, little bouts of morning sickness that she tried to hide. She regretted once again, not coming clean at the beginning. It would have made things so much easier in the long run. Why had she waited so long?

By the time Alexis made her way downstairs, Kate was already up making coffee. It was becoming a surprisingly normal way to start the morning and Alexis couldn't help but picture her dad there as well. He'd be making jokes and omelets, or regaling them with Nikki and Rook's latest escapade. For a moment she could almost hear him there. But the gentle kick within her brought her back to the present and her face fell.

"What's wrong honey?"

Alexis shrugged.

"Thinking about dad."

Kate came around the bar and slid onto the stool next to Alexis.

"Sometimes I almost forget he's not here," Kate confessed quietly.

"Me too. It makes me sad when I remember, but it's okay right? Feeling like he's still here is good."

"It makes it easier to hope, doesn't it?"

"It does. And so do you. I think you and I are the only ones who still believe in him."

"It's not that no one else believes in him, Alexis. They just don't see… the evidence doesn't tell them that he's still here."

"I know. I don't take it personally."

"Me neither. At least I try not to. Are you ready for your appointment?"

"I think so. Thanks for taking the morning off to come with me."

"Thanks for letting me."

"How much water do I have to drink?"

Kate produced two water bottles from the fridge.

"I hope you're thirsty."

"This isn't going to be fun," Alexis sighed as she reached for the first one. "Hey, what do you think it is?"

"The baby? I have no idea. What do you think it is?"

"I don't know. I thought that I would have a feeling or a preference but I don't really care. I'm pretty clueless on parenting either way."

"You'll do a great job sweetie. You want pancakes?"

"Sure."

"Is Martha joining us there?"

"She wants to but she doesn't think she'll be done with her class in time. She told me I could meet her at the school later. I don't know why it feels like we're so disconnected. Do you think I disappointed her?"

"No, never. I think she's just dealing with this differently than we are. Keep giving her time, but if it still bothers you in a few weeks, maybe you need to talk with her about it."

"Maybe. She's been home more so that helps but it's hard to see her so sad. I don't know how to help."

"I don't either," Kate said with a heavy sigh. "Maybe the three of us can take a day trip soon. It might help us all to get away."

"Probably. I just wish Gram could still hope like we do. It's still awful, but if you hope I think it's easier."

"I agree."

"I am never going to be able to drink all of this water," Alexis sighed. "There has to be a better way to do this. All the technology in the world and I still have to have a full bladder for an ultrasound. Ridiculous."

"Lanie called, she asked if we wanted to meet her for lunch after the appointment."

"That would be nice."

"She misses you," Kate added. "So do the boys. They keep asking if they can do anything for you. They offered to put a crib together or paint the nursery, or do whatever you need."

"They don't have to do that."

"Alexis, they love you. They're worried about you and they want to be there for you, no matter what. You don't have to keep hiding from people who love you, and you need to stop thinking that everyone is secretly judging you. Just because this wasn't the plan doesn't mean it can't be a good thing. Is there anything that anyone could say that would make you love this baby less?"

"No, of course not."

"It's going to be okay honey. They'll be here for you, I promise."

Alexis was quiet and Kate knew that no amount of convincing would be successful, so she began to gather ingredients for pancakes. She couldn't fix her but she could feed her.

* * *

"This is weird," Alexis confessed as a warm goo was applied to her stomach. "It feels like pudding."

"Pudding?" Kate asked with a slight giggle.

"I'm hungry."

"What else is new?"

Alexis narrowed her eyes and Kate leaned over to brush her hair back.

"I know. Better than not eating."

"Yeah."

The room fell silent save for the thrums of the ultrasound machine. Eyes were drawn to the screen, though neither one of them could really tell what was going on at this point.

"This is the heart," the technician said finally as she took measurements. "Let me pull back a little and see if we can get a profile shot."

"Oh look it has chubby cheeks," Alexis giggled once the picture became more clear.

"And there's a little hand up by the face. You might have a thumb sucker."

"That's so cute," Kate remarked softly. It was hitting her hard now, the idea that she may never experience this for herself. As happy as she was for Alexis, moments like this brought her own wants up to the surface. It was hard to admit to herself that motherhood was something that she really wanted.

The technician continued to take measurements, switching views and occasionally turning on the 3D function to get a better picture.

"Okay, I've gotten all that I need for now. Do you want to see what you're having?"

Alexis hesitated as she contemplated the face on the screen. It didn't matter at all but she wanted to picture how this would be. She felt like knowing and giving her child a name would help to enforce the bond that she worried wasn't strong enough.

"Yeah, I want to find out."

"Okay, give me a minute to find a good angle."

"Nervous?" Kate asked as she reached over for Alexis' hand.

"Kind of. This is so weird."

"I bet."

"Okay Alexis go ahead and look at the screen and see if you can guess."

Alexis obeyed and stared at the screen with a critical eye for a moment.

"Is it a boy?"

"It is. You're having a little boy."

"Really? It's a boy? I don't know what to do with a boy!"

"Don't look at me, I don't even know what to do with a baby," Kate chuckled as Alexis wiped happy tears away. "Your dad would be so excited."

"Oh I know. He'd be so happy."

"Let me get you a copy of the video and some pictures and then we'll be done."

The technician cleaned up quickly then slipped out of the room to gather the DVD and photos.

"You okay?"

"I think this is the first time I've been happy since that day."

"It's okay to be happy."

Even as Kate said the words she could feel a part of herself arguing. Was it okay to be happy? Was she allowed to live without constant grieving? After her mother had been killed she had channeled so much of her life into getting justice, being angry, and missing her that she hadn't stopped to enjoy things. That had waned over the years and eventually, even before Castle, she had been able to find some happiness again. But there was always a small amount of guilt that washed over her when she found herself truly happy. Perhaps that was a normal part of loss, but if it wasn't, she didn't want Alexis to have any part of it.

"Kate? Did you hear me?" Alexis asked, waving the pictures and DVD in front of Kate's face.

"Hmm? No, I was thinking. Ready to go?"

"Yes. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. It's all hitting me now though. Seeing him and hearing his heartbeat and all of that is kind of mind blowing."

"You're not kidding," Alexis chuckled as she let her hand rest on her stomach.

"It's weird," Kate confessed quietly as they made their way out of the office. "But I feel like I've loved him forever. Like part of my heart was waiting for him."

Alexis smiled widely and nodded.

"I know exactly what you mean. It's like nothing is really linear or… time doesn't matter. He's always been a part of me. How does a grainy ultrasound picture make me realize that?"

"What a world we live in, huh?"

Alexis stopped in the middle of the sidewalk with her jaw dropped.

"What?"

"I… Kate, I get to show him the world."

"Yeah."

"I get to show him everything. And teach him everything. I get to do that. I actually… I get to do that."

Kate smiled at the enthusiasm in Alexis' voice.

"Dad always said that he rediscovered the world when he showed it to me and I had no idea what he meant until just now."

"Life will never be boring again."

"You'll help me, won't you? I mean, you'll come with us? To the ocean? To look at the stars? And to the woods? He'll need to see the biggest trees. You'll come too, won't you?"

Kate smiled and pulled Alexis into a tight hug.

"Sweetheart, there's nothing I would love more."

"And we'll have to take dad too. Even if we can't really take him."

"Write everything down?"

"Try to, at least."

Kate nodded. She had been writing letters to Castle in her head every night, but hadn't had the time or the energy to put it on paper. When she had been in D.C. and he was on his book tour, there had been short periods of time when their schedules had never meshed, and they would go three or four days without being able to talk. When they were finally able to connect, it was like they were both bursting with conversation. Kate felt the same way now, like she wasn't going to be able to hold her thoughts in any longer. But no matter how much they could write down, Castle would still miss the actual moments. There would be things that couldn't be described, feelings that could never be duplicated. Castle hated missing out on anything, and he was about to miss out on some very big events.


	5. Determined

I simply cannot get my brain to edit chapters. It has melted and run out my ears. Sorry for any mistakes. (And again, yes Castle will be in this story, but no, it will not be soon.)

* * *

Kate had slept horribly for the past week, but last night had been the worst. In hindsight, it probably would have been better to just stay awake. She was able to fall asleep relatively quickly, but staying asleep was hard, and what little sleep she did manage didn't give her any rest, as it was flooded with dreams of Castle.

She had given up around three in the morning, opting instead for plunking down in Castle's desk chair and penning him a three page letter. She had spilled everything on those pages, all the worries she had for him, all the theories that made sense, every avenue she had explored. Writing it all out hadn't helped at all, but it did mean that she was still awake when a promising tip came her way. Tracking it down would mean going to Chicago unauthorized, would mean exercising great subterfuge, and possibly compromising a murder investigation that wasn't in her jurisdiction.

Hope made all of that worth it.

Though feeling guilty, she packed a few articles of clothing, a toothbrush, and her phone charger, then took a moment to purchase the first ticket she could find to Chicago. There was a chance that she'd regret this, but there was also a chance that all would be forgiven when she brought Castle home.

"Hey," Alexis greeted from the kitchen, as Kate creeped toward the front door.

"Oh. Hi. What are you doing up?"

"Pi is stopping by on his way to work. We won't have time to talk any other time this week. I made breakfast, are you hungry?"

"No, I need to get going."

"Is everything alright?"

Kate nodded, hated herself for the lie, and gave Alexis a reassuring hug.

"Fine. You have a class tonight, don't you?"

"Yeah, I'll probably be home late. Are you sure everything is okay?"

"Just a lot to do."

"Okay. Gram and I are having dinner tomorrow. Want to join us?"

"I… maybe. Play it by ear."

Alexis frowned at the dismissive tone in Kate's voice, and crossed her arms over her chest. Something wasn't right.

"I've gotta go. I'll see you later."

Alexis was going to ask one more time if everything was okay, but Kate was out the door before she could. It was a bit unnerving, but then again, it was easy to be paranoid before the sun was even up. Telling herself not to worry about it just yet (but not exactly listening to her own advice), she cleaned up the kitchen and put the breakfast leftovers away. She had a lot of work to get done in the next few days, before the summer session ended. There were papers and tests and she felt the pressure to get ahead before the baby came. She could scale back on her workload without affecting her graduation date if she worked harder now. It wasn't in the original plan, but it was the best she could do now.

There was a knock on the door and she hurried to open it.

"Morning," she greeted as Pi handed over a large bottle of fresh apple juice.

"Morning. You're glowing today."

"Glowing is a myth."

"It's not. I read about it. And you glow," Pi insisted with a smile.

"Well I feel like a whale. A really healthy whale, but still."

He nodded and they sat down on the couch together, sipping the juice and trying to figure out how to make this entire thing less awkward. They spoke on the phone often but it was hard to make time to see each other in person, and that meant that each time, they had to ease into comfort again.

"I was able to get the morning off so I can go to your next appointment," Pi said after a moment. "Is that okay?"

"That would be great. They probably won't need to do an ultrasound, but I'd still like you there."

"If you ever don't-"

"You're his father."

"I'm trying."

Alexis nodded, rubbed one hand over her stomach while she thought.

"Do you want to be there? When he's born?"

"Of course. I can't promise that I'll be very helpful and you know I'm going to pass out, but I'll be there."

"Will you be able to take any time off?"

"Three or four days. I can try for more."

"Three or four is good. You can stay here if you want. Then you don't have to go back and forth."

"I wish I could move closer."

"Me too. We'll figure out a schedule so you can see him a lot. I don't want you to feel left out."

"I know. We'll have to play it by ear for a while I'm sure."

"Probably."

"I want him to have your last name."

"You do? Are you sure?"

"I have my parents last name. I don't want to pass that along. He deserves better than that. He needs a name that means something better."

"I wanted to give him my dad's middle name. Alexander."

"I like that. I think your dad would be proud. Not just about the name. Mostly proud of you."

"I hope so."

Pi gave her a smile, then took a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.

"My favorite name list, per our request. I realized while doing this that I actually may be the hippie your dad always said I was."

Alexis laughed and took the list, then chuckled again and handed hers over.

"Mine aren't that much different. But I want something with a lot of meaning, Something that puts an image in my head when I hear it."

"I agree."

"Why don't we keep each other's lists for a few days and then pick out our favorites and go from there?"

"You want to research each one and find out everything you can about them, don't you?"

"I wouldn't be me if I didn't."

Pi smiled and pocketed the list.

"Do you have time to go shopping on Sunday? I have a few hours free in the afternoon, and I think we should at least stock up on diapers and wipes. And there's a sale on that baby monitor you wanted. If you don't have time, I can go get all of it myself."

"I have time. And you're not buying everything. That's not fair. Especially when you're barely making ends meet as it is."

"Hey, I'm doing fine. We got another roommate, so my rent went down."

"Another roommate? There are six of you living in that place now?"

"It's fine, Alexis. Don't worry about me."

"It must stink in there."

"It does."

Alexis cracked a smile and Pi reached over to give her hand a squeeze.

"Is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?"

"Just keep being around."

"Absolutely. I'm here for anything. If you need ice-cream, or a foot rub, or just someone to talk to, you've got me."

"Pi, if it weren't for the baby, would you still be there for me?"

"Did we break up because we hated each other?"

"No, we broke up because I wasn't ready for a serious relationship."

"Does that mean we're not friends?"

"No, of course not!"

"Well good. Because I need you too, Alexis. You're the first person in my life who really wanted me. You're the first one to treat me like I was worth anything. You mean more to me than I could ever tell you. I will always be here for you, and I will do my best to make you feel as important as you make me feel."

"You're not supposed to make a pregnant woman cry," Alexis admonished teasingly, while sniffling.

"Sorry. But you understand me, right? We've got a kid to raise together, and we can either be friends and work together to raise him, or we can stop supporting each other, and be miserable."

Alexis nodded.

"Are we making a pact then?"

"Yes. Promise to always support each other, and stay friends."

"Deal."

They shook on it and Alexis felt a slight burden lift from her shoulders. She knew that because of circumstances she would still be the primary care-giver, and would do a lot on her own. But it helped to know that Pi would be there for her as much as he could.

"I've got to head to work," Pi said after a glance at the clock. "Let me know if there's anything else we need to add to the shopping list, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks."

"See you on Sunday."

He let himself out of the loft and Alexis sat back against the couch. She'd lucked out, that was for sure. She just hoped that when the baby came and their world flipped upside down, they'd be able to keep up the friendship for the sake of their son.

* * *

Kate knew immediately that it was a bad idea. She'd barely formed the idea to go before she knew it was stupid. It was dangerous, it could be a waste of time, and there was no way she could justify it if something bad happened. She could get kicked off the case or suspended or even worse. But that was all outweighed by the slight chance that she could possibly get some information about Castle.

When she got off the plane in Chicago and found 7 messages on her phone from Captain Gates, three from Esposito and two each from Ryan and Lanie, she knew that this wasn't going to be good. When the local P.D. told her to stay away from their investigation and told her that the witness sketch looked nothing like the one she provided of Jackson Hunt, she went toe to toe with the lead detective, and found herself with another call from Gates. When she secretly continued to investigate the Chicago murder, fully believing that it was connected to Hunt, or maybe to Castle, she found herself in lockup for interference with a police investigation. After being held for almost six hours, she was released. She wasn't sure if the local cops figured she'd cooled down or if someone had spoken on her behalf and she really didn't care.

After taking the rental car back to her hotel room, Kate climbed into bed and stared up at the ceiling with silent tears streaming down her face. Whether or not the sighting had occurred, she still felt that she was failing Castle. She was no closer to bringing him home than she had been on that day, and now she was running off half cocked, the one action that drove him nuts. She hadn't been home in two nights, breaking the promises she'd made to Alexis and in turn breaking the promise she'd made to Castle. Not since being at rock bottom with her mother's case had she ever felt so disappointed in herself.

Her phone rang and she reached over to silence it but when she saw the caller ID she knew she couldn't avoid it anymore.

"Hey Alexis."

"Where are you?"

"Chicago."

"You lied to me."

"I know."

"You said you were here working on a case and you couldn't come home."

"I'm sorry."

"Did you find anything out?"

"No."

Alexis sighed heavily.

"You didn't tell anyone where you were going, you didn't take anyone with you, and you didn't even find anything out?"

"I think I got duped, Alexis."

"I went to the precinct looking for you. Ryan and Esposito kept making up stories about where you were but I knew they were trying to cover something up. I thought they didn't know. I thought you had disappeared too, Kate. Do you have any idea-"

Alexis choked on her words and Kate started hating herself even more.

"I'm sorry honey. I never meant to worry you."

"You had no idea what was out there and you didn't even care."

"Alexis-"

"What am I supposed to do when dad comes home and I have to tell him that you died looking for him?"

Kate wanted to answer, but everything she came up with wasn't good enough. There wasn't an answer that worked.

"I don't know if you realize this but I love you and I don't want to lose you too. Do you get that, Kate? I want you to look for dad but if you sacrifice your life doing it… Why would you do something so dangerous?"

"I thought I would find him."

"Why? What made this tip different from the rest?"

It was a hard question; apparently Alexis was full of them tonight.

"I'm tired of not bringing him home to you and Martha."

"Kate it's not your fault."

"I wish it was. If it was my fault then I could fix it."

"Please come home. Don't do this to yourself anymore."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart."

"I just want you to stay safe. If it's a legit lead then follow it but you have to stay safe. You're going to be a grandma soon."

Kate couldn't help but laugh at that.

"I love you, Kate. And I would never ask you to choose between your safety and finding dad. So please don't let it get to that point."

"I'll be home soon. I'll be better next time, I promise."

"Okay."

"I love you too, Alexis. I'm sorry the last few days didn't prove that."

"It's okay. I know you won't do it again."

"I won't. How are you feeling?"

"Alright. Baby's been kicking a lot. I think you could feel it from the outside now."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's wild, man."

Kate chuckled gently.

"I'm going to get the next flight possible so when I get home you'll tell me about it?"

"You promise you'll come home?"

"I promise."

"Okay. Be safe, alright?"

"I will."


	6. Derailed

Shorter chapter because I changed half of it and my life is busy and my brain does not want to cooperate after 4 pm.

* * *

It was late when the plane from Chicago touched down, and Kate wanted nothing more than to get home. The car service fetched her from the arrivals terminal so she didn't have to finagle getting a taxi, but she was stretched to her limit, antsy and exhausted at the same time, and asked them to drop her three blocks away. She needed to walk this off before she went home. There was no telling how she'd be received when she walked through the door.

All of that fell by the wayside as a hand clamped over her mouth and she was dragged harshly into the depths of an alleyway. She clawed at the hand and tried to go limp, but it all happened so quickly that she couldn't make herself react properly. Her heels scraped on the ground and she could feel gravel cutting into the back of her ankles.

"Stop struggling."

Never one to take commands, Kate twisted back and forth, trying to free herself. An arm clamped tighter around her middle and she was thrust forward against the side of the building. Her jaw connected with the concrete and she whimpered from the sudden pain of it.

"You need to stay away from this."

It took a while to place the voice, but as soon as it registered, Kate let herself relax the slightest bit. This was who she had been looking for, at least secondarily. Why fight him when she needed him?

Jackson Hunt or whatever his name was, slowly removed his hand from her mouth.

"Stay away from what? Where have you been? Where's Rick?"

"Enough!"

"Don't you dare tell me that's enough," Kate hissed. She stopped short of jabbing her finger into his chest. "Where is he?"

"I don't know. But I'm not dumb enough to think that it's a good idea for you to go poking around."

Kate gulped around the lump in her throat. Was this an answer finally? Would she have somewhere to look?

"You know what's going on," she accused in a whisper.

"I don't. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Even I have no idea what happened or where he could be. That means that whatever is going on is something that you're never going to be able to take down. You keep looking and if he's not dead already, he will be."

"So what, I'm just supposed to trust you? Wait for you to find him? You think that's good enough for me?"

"I don't care about you," Hunt growled as he grabbed her shoulders. "You're not family."

Kate refrained from spitting in his face.

"Get away from me, Hunt."

"No, you need to listen. Don't think I don't know you, Detective. You'll run headlong into something even if you don't know what it is and think that's noble. But it's stupidity. You're never going to find him, but you might turn over stones that should be left alone. You don't know what you're getting into. I don't even know what you're getting into."

"Well you seem to, as you speak on it with such authority. What's the point of this anyway? If you don't care, why warn me off, huh?"

"Because whatever hellfire comes down is going to rain on Alexis and Martha too."

"You're bluffing."

"Believe what you want, Detective. Find a better answer. Here, I'll even provide one. Maybe an adult who wants to stay gone should be able to."

Despite Hunt's years of training and experience, he was only able to step back from the fist aimed for his jaw, and Kate still managed to clip him. His reaction time was much better than hers, and he spun her around again, shoved her into the wall, and pulled her arm behind her back. She groaned and stamped her foot in pain, but he didn't let up.

"I'll break it, Detective. Don't tempt me."

Kate cursed crisply and tried not to think about the fact that he probably wouldn't give it a second thought.

"I've got nothing left to lose, but you do."

"Is that a threat? What are you playing at?"

"You and Rick think that I'm some sort of idiot freelancer. That job in Paris was an exception."

"That job? She's your granddaughter!"

"Be that as it may, I can no longer trust those who've been my back up in the past. If this is connected to me and they didn't hesitate to take him, do you think they're going to flinch when it comes to Martha or Alexis? Or that baby?"

Kate felt as if another bullet had entered her chest.

"What if you're wrong? What if I can find him and it has nothing to do with you? What if you're not worth anything to anyone?"

"Maybe he left you. Maybe Alexis is without her father because of you. Maybe Martha will drink herself to death over losing him and it's all your fault."

He underestimated the ferocity with which Kate would fight him, but once she twisted away, he was able to subdue her easily. He didn't care about the marks he left on her skin. It didn't matter at all. All he had to do was wrap one hand around her throat until she was silently begging for air.

"Leave it alone, Kate. The world won't miss another one of you dead in an alley. You don't know what you're getting into."

Her body crashed to the ground and she sucked in as much air as she could. By the time she was able to look up again, Hunt was gone.

* * *

Jim Beckett had never been one for sleeping through the night. Through law school he had survived on two to three hours a night and in the first few years of practicing, had sometimes subsisted on even less. During the worst of his battle with alcohol, he hadn't bothered rolling out of bed very often, which is how Kate had known the level to which he had descended. And now, though life was better, he hadn't slept much in the last month. So he was already awake when he heard a key in the lock of the front door, and he was able to make it to the front of the house quickly.

"Katie. What are you doing here? It's one in the morning."

Shaking, Kate stepped into the scant light that Jim had left on in the kitchen.

"Daddy."

"What happened?"

Kate shook her head and Jim drew her into a hug. He cradled her head against his shoulder and stayed steady while the tears fell.

"I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to look. I don't know who has him. I don't know if he's alive."

"Katie, come in here and let me look at you."

She followed him and sat where he placed her on the couch, then blinked against the light he turned on.

"Oh honey. What happened to you?"

"Looked in the wrong place."

Jim sighed deeply as he took in her bruised cheek, her split lip, and the finger marks around her neck. No matter what injury Kate had, he would never get used to seeing her hurt. His stomach lurched and he quickly stood up from the couch.

"I'll go get the first aid kit."

Kate watched him go and wanted nothing more than to follow after him. She didn't want to be alone anymore. She wanted to be safe, to be taken care of, to not have to be so brave.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she pulled it out to glance at the screen.

"Martha, hi. It's late, is everything okay?"

"You're not home yet. We thought your flight was in hours ago. Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine. I came to see my dad."

"This late?"

"Sometimes when a girl does something stupid she needs her dad to tell her it'll be alright."

"I get that," Martha said softly, with an undercurrent of amusement in her voice. "But you wouldn't use your father as a cover for subterfuge, would you?"

Kate smiled sadly as Jim came back into the room.

"I'm not lying. He's sitting right here."

"Okay."

"Everything is fine. I'll be home in the morning and we can talk then."

"Is there anything else, Katherine?"

"We'll talk tomorrow. I'm safe, okay?"

"Alright, darling. We'll see you in the morning."

"In the morning."

She ended the call and glanced up at Jim.

"What?"

"What are you doing, Katie?"

"Dad-"

"Let me clean this cut and no back-talking. Now, I understand that you need to find Rick. Don't even think I don't. But I don't think it's particularly great that you have to reassure your family that you're not lying."

"I don't have the best track record."

"They're going to know something is wrong when they see you tomorrow."

"I know that. And I'll explain it to them."

"You'll explain to them that someone tried to kill you?"

"Dad."

"Katherine."

"He was trying to scare me."

"Who?"

"It's not important. He doesn't mean anything. He just thinks he's… whatever."

"I worry about you too, Katie. You may not come home to this home every night, but whatever home you go to, I want you to actually get there."

"I know that."

"And Rick would want the same. He does."

"I'm not trying to get myself killed. I'm trying to do what's best for everyone."

"I understand. But I think you need to reevaluate what best for everyone really means."

* * *

"It's come down from One PP, Kate," Captain Gates announced without much preamble. "There isn't anything I could do, and to be frank, I agree with their assessment. We can't have one of our detectives running amok all over the country. Especially when the FBI has advised against-"

"I know."

Captain Gates calmed her movements, schooled her features, and sat down in the chair behind her desk.

"Kate, you're off the case. Officially and unofficially. It's not being shelved. We won't ignore any leads that come in. But you've become a liability to this department and if you'll forgive me for saying, to your family also."

The truth had never stung so badly before.

"If it were you, wouldn't you be doing the same thing?"

"Yes," Gates admitted without hesitation. "And as much as it pains me to say, that doesn't mean it would be the right thing."

"It's only been two months. I don't know how I'm supposed to stop looking."

"I don't either, Kate."

Slowly, Kate stood up from her chair and headed for the door.

"Thank you," she whispered. "Understanding."

"Yes."

There was nothing else to be said and Kate left the office with her head hung. If she hadn't tried to take matters into her own hands, if she had backed off just a little more, if she had acted the way Castle would have wanted her to, then she wouldn't be in this position. Even investigating unofficially with silent approval from Gates had been enough. Why had she pushed it? Why had she thrown herself into the tornado again? It was so stupid. Tread carefully, fly under the radar, have patience and the answers will come. It had worked with Bracken, getting justice for her mother, despite her moments of reckless abandon. But this time she didn't have Castle to reign her in. Being without him was preventing her from ever finding him.

How had she failed so spectacularly?


	7. Disarmed

A/N: Where in the HECK did this week go?

* * *

"I can't stop," Kate confessed as she paced across Dr. Burke's office. "They kicked me off the case and there are no leads but if I quit I'm giving up on him. I can't do that. How am I supposed to do that?"

"At some point you have to go on with your life."

"No. No, I was supposed to have a life with him. This isn't what either one of us signed up for and I can't change it. What am I supposed to do?"

"Kate, there are some mysteries that we can't solve. Some stories with no resolutions."

"I had to wait years to find my mother's killer and now it's like I have to start over with him. Except this time no one believes there's anyone to look for. This time there is even less to go on. It's hopeless. And it's not like we're two years down the road. It's only been two months. That's nothing and everyone is expecting me to give up. Even if I could, what would I tell Alexis? That I don't love her father enough to keep looking? I can't do to her what everyone did to me when I lost my mom."

"Do you think that Alexis might need you to be present just as much as she needs you to find her father?"

"Yes of course. Which is why I can't just do one thing. This is too much."

She sunk down to the couch and buried her face in her hands.

"I'm failing. My hands are tied and I may never bring him home."

"And because of your relationship with him and your career in law enforcement, you feel as if you are the only one that can do that."

"Well of course I am! No one will look as hard as I do, no one will be as relentless, no one will know him well enough to find him. It has to be me. I have to bring him home. His daughter is counting on me. Do you have any idea how that feels? Do you understand what it's like to come home empty handed every day? You don't know what it's like to see hope in her eyes and then have to tell her that nothing has changed. You don't know how it hurts to watch as she tries to hold in all the pain and worry and you know that nothing you can do will make it better and you're so incapable of dealing with any of it for yourself and how in the world are you supposed to be there for her if you're barely holding on to yourself?"

"You can't be everything to everyone, Kate."

"I have to bring him home. You don't understand. Alexis can't go through what I did. She can't lose a parent. I refuse to let that happen. I don't… I love her too much to let it happen."

"There's nothing wrong with that, Kate. But there will come a time when you need to accept the fact that he may never come home."

"No."

"Not now, but at some point-"

"No. No, he's coming home. He's going to be home."

"Kate-"

"I'm done. I'm not doing this. Don't tell me not to hope."

With that, she turned and stormed from the office. Lunch with her dad earlier had turned into a similar conversation and Kate felt like the bottom was dropping out of her world. If it were any other victim in any other case, Kate would likely be thinking along the same lines as everyone else. But with Castle, it felt like a betrayal to even sniff around the idea that he was gone. He had to come home somehow. It was absolutely ridiculous to believe anything else.

But what if…

It wasn't until she returned to the loft and stole to the bedroom claiming the need for a nap, that she allowed herself to finish the rest of the thought. What if everyone else was right?

Kate's stomach lurched and she tossed herself onto the bed while the sobs rattled through her chest. How in the world would she live the rest of her life without Castle? How would she tell Alexis or Martha that the most important person in their lives wasn't ever going to make it back? How could she even break the news to herself? They'd planned a future together, enough for three lifetimes, and now none of it was there anymore.

And worse, what if it was her fault? What if it tied to her mother's case or Jerry Tyson, or any of the other evils she'd run into over the years? If it wasn't for her, maybe Castle would still be here for his daughter.

But then what was it that Castle had said? You can't blame Jodie Foster for John Hinckley shooting Reagan.

She rolled over, stood up from the bed, and wiped her eyes. There was no reason for her to throw in the towel. Even if she couldn't find him, someone would. Or he'd find himself. He'd be home. And that didn't mean she had to stop looking either.

* * *

"Beckett?"

Kate turned around at Ryan's voice and tried to get in the way of him seeing what was scattered all over the table in interrogation. It was before five in the morning and she thought that she'd have a few more moments of peace, as the night shift seemed to pay her no mind.

"What are you doing here this early? Is that Castle's case? I thought you were kicked off."

"What are you doing here this early?" Kate countered, crossing her arms over her chest and staring him down. "Shouldn't you be home with Jenny and Sarah Grace?"

"Sarah Grace finally fell asleep and I was too wired to try so I thought I'd come in and poke around. Seems like you beat me to it."

"You've been looking into it?"

"Javi and I both have, when we have time. We won't mention it to Gates if you don't."

"Deal. Have you found anything?"

Ryan shook his head sadly and pulled up a chair next to the table.

"Doesn't mean we'll give up though. Looks like you started from the top."

"I'm trying a different perspective."

"Which would be?"

"If I didn't know him at all, what would I think happened?"

"We went that way too. Publicity stunt, or a Kathy Bates situation."

"And we can definitely rule out a publicity stunt. Even if that was something Castle would do, he wouldn't put Alexis through that. Or Martha. He'd die before he hurt them."

Ryan nodded, noting that she didn't mention herself. Maybe a bout with cold feet was still in the back of her mind.

"Okay so today we'll look at it as a deranged fan. Do you know if he'd been getting any weird fan mail?"

"Well let's see, he was sent about a dozen pairs of underwear the week after our engagement was announced, so how weird are we talking here, Ryan?"

"Ew."

"Yes. As far as anything threatening or nefarious, I don't know. I went through the box of letters that were sent over but I realized about an hour ago that we never really went through his social media. I'm waiting for Tori to see if there's any way that we can find messages that he was sent from blocked accounts."

"How far back do you want to go?"

"I don't know. Someone could have made contact three years ago and not acted on anything until now."

"Then we don't stop looking, do we?" Ryan suggested as he opened a folder. "Do you think any tips could have been called in by a fan?"

"Of course they could have been. Whether any of them would be legitimate or not, I don't know."

"Let's see what Tori thinks about the blocked profiles, find out what she can get into otherwise, and then get a profiler in here to look at anything that makes your Spidey-sense tingle even the least little bit."

"Spidey-sense?"

"I miss his weird theories too you know."

"Thanks, Ryan."

"If this was Jenny missing, I know you'd be sitting right here with me."

"Absolutely."

He reached over and gave her hand a squeeze.

"We won't give up, Kate. We'll fight for him."

"Thank you."

"Of course. You still owe us some of that fancy wedding food after all."

Kate couldn't help the laugh that burst from her mouth and she used a file to swat Ryan's arm.

"What? You know that's the only reason I was there."

"Oh, and that cake," Kate noted. "It was going to be so good."

"Twelve layers, each better than the last."

"I never should have let you go to the bakery with him."

"Hey, I talked him out of having them make triple layer cakes out of every flavor combination they could come up with."

"He was excited."

"Definitely not a case of cold feet. No one would willingly walk away from cake like that, even if it meant they had to be hitched to you forever."

"Gee, thanks Ryan."

He gave her a smile and went back to the papers in his hand, while Kate sat back in her own chair and looked at the pages without really seeing them. It felt good to laugh again, to smile and breathe normally. Castle would want that, wouldn't he? Of course he would. He always tried to perk her up, no matter what was going on. Refusing to enjoy things in the name of missing him would certainly make him annoyed.

So that was another thing to add to the list.

Find Castle.

Take care of Alexis and the baby.

Be there for Martha.

Don't lose yourself.


	8. Dissolve

A/N: This is probably the least edited before posting chapter I will have in this story. I started writing something completely removed from this story because my muse is just like that (I'm talking 26 pages in 5 days while working full time and being sick) and before I knew it, it was Sunday night. Good thing this was mostly done.

* * *

"Kate?" Alexis called, peeking around the end of an aisle. "What did you find?"

"Slings," Kate answered, holding up a box. "I know it's not on your list but I thought… I don't know, they say it's good for babies to be close, and it can help with colic."

"We should get one. Maybe it can be your special thing with him."

"Yeah?"

"Sure. I found a rocking chair on sale, do you think we could get it home today?"

"Esposito said he could haul anything we can't do ourselves. But I'd wait on the rocking chair."

"Really? Why?"

"No reason."

Alexis furrowed her brow and crossed her arms.

"Kate Beckett, are you harboring a secret? From me?"

"No, of course not. I'm just acting suspicious for no reason."

"Okay then. Anything else I shouldn't get?"

"No, I think that's it. Did you find the blankets you wanted?"

"Yeah, but I can't decide on the color. Which one do you think?"

"To go with the gray? I like the dark blue better. But it's not up to me."

"I'm indecisive, that's why I brought you. Do your job."

Kate smirked, decided on the blue, and put it into the cart. After so many almost uncharacteristic mental breakdowns in the last couple of weeks, she'd woken up this morning with a desire to move forward at least for the day. Twenty four hours at a time was so much more manageable than worrying about the entire future of them all.

"Why are there so many options?" Alexis huffed as she surveyed yet another shelf of infant accoutrements. "Just give me one, people."

"Pick a random one."

"But what if it's the wrong one?"

They stood in silent contemplation for a moment before Kate sighed and dropped one of the boxes into the overflowing cart.

"We can always return it."

"This is hard."

"I know."

"Maybe we should call it a day."

"Are you sure?"

"I was suddenly and very rudely reminded of my infinite lack of capability in any matters pertaining to childcare in any way, shape or form, and-"

"Okay, you've been talking to my dad way too much, you sound like a lawyer. Let's take this stuff home, grab some lunch, and take a walk. Sound good?"

"You mean take a waddle."

"Yeah."

Alexis nodded and pushed the cart towards the check out.

"Can we have ice-cream for lunch?"

"That's what we had for dinner last night."

"Pick a different flavor," Alexis answered with a shrug, as it if were the world's simplest answer.

Kate chuckled and tossed an arm around Alexis' shoulders.

"I love you."

"Love you too."

"So, ice-cream and a waddle. Watch a movie and fold baby clothes?"

"You don't have to."

"I want to."

"You don't have to want to."

"Alexis."

"What?"

"You were okay five minutes ago."

"Hormones."

"Okay so a waddle, ice-cream, a movie and baby clothes, and we're going to talk about whatever's wrong."

Alexis nodded and wiped at her eyes.

"And maybe cake for dessert?"

"There's my girl."

* * *

Hours later, after various desserts had been consumed and all the tiny clothes had been put away, Alexis wrapped herself in a big blanket, shuffled over to the couch and lay down, resting her head in Kate's lap.

"I'm not ready."

The confession was quiet and Kate slowly turned the TV down.

"You don't feel ready."

"Because I'm not. I don't know how to be a mom. What if I do things wrong? What if I choose the wrong doctor or the wrong school? What if I forget important things? What if I can't save any money for his college? What if I can't get along with Pi and this poor kid is stuck in the middle? What if I can't potty-train him or teach him to walk?"

"Honey, I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself."

"No I'm not."

"You're scared and irrational and that's okay. But don't keep thinking these things or you're going to end up paranoid and losing sleep. That's not okay."

"I just wish I knew how it was going to go."

"Me too. But it's part of the adventure, right?"

"Guess so."

"You know that the good stuff far outweighs the scary, right?"

"Yeah. Just overwhelmed I think."

"That's probably normal," Kate assured.

"I've never loved someone like this before. The way I love him. And I don't even know him yet. He deserves the best of everything. And I'm worried that I won't be able to give that to him."

"You already do."

"You promise you'll help me?"

"Of course. I wouldn't leave you for anything. Do you trust me?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

"Did you and dad ever… do you think he'd be happy to be a grandpa?"

"You know it's funny, we actually talked about it once. I can't remember when it came up but he said that he hoped to be a grandpa someday. Of course, the reasoning was that he could then wear cable-knit sweaters without being mocked but I could see the twinkle in his eye."

"What about… were you two planning on kids?"

"Kind of. It was on the table. Still is."

"Did you ever think you'd be a grandma before you were a mom?"

"With the upside down way my life has gone, I should have known."

"Do you want the baby to call you granny?" Alexis asked with a smirk.

"Are you trying to be funny?"

"A little. But what should he call you?"

"I don't know."

"He's not just calling you Kate, that's silly."

"I don't think he's going to be calling me much of anything for a while."

"I over-plan things. I need to know."

"I'll figure something out."

"Now?"

"You haven't even figured out his name yet."

"It's down to two. I think."

"You think?"

"Well yes, but I keep finding other ones."

"Stop looking."

"You think you're so smart."

"I am."

"Kate? Are you worried about Gram?"

"She's fine, honey."

"She thinks dad is dead."

"I know."

"How can she give up on him?"

Kate sighed and jostled Alexis gently until she sat up and they were sitting face to face.

"She's not giving up on him. I think that it's easier for her this way. She has to believe he's not coming home or she won't be able to bear all the uncertainty."

"I understand that a little, I guess. But why can't she hope?"

"She's different than we are. As much as she lives in a fantasy world a lot of the time, your gram is way more in touch with reality than we think she is. She knows that more than likely, her suspicions are correct. It has nothing to do with losing faith in your dad, and everything to do with losing faith in the world."

"That's sad."

"I know."

"I miss her. I really miss her, Kate. It doesn't matter that we believe different things. If she thinks he's gone and she's mourning, wouldn't it be easier to mourn with some support? With her family? I know that I can't imagine what she's feeling and I know being here without him is hard for her, but I don't want her to drift away from us. I don't want her to feel alone."

"I know. I don't either. But she has been around a lot more lately, hasn't she? She's been home for dinner, what four times this week? We just need to give her time and space and let her know we're here."

"I know. Maybe I need to meet her halfway more often. Or we both can. We can go out to dinner somewhere. It doesn't matter where, I just want to feel like more of a family again."

"Me too. I always feel safer when all of us are together."

"You feel safer with gram around? Like what is she going to do if we're under attack? Blind the perpetrator with her Technicolor dreamcoat?"

Kate snorted and shook her head. It didn't make sense, but it was true regardless. Things were the most comfortable when the family was together as one.

"Thank you for being here, Kate."

"Anytime, bud. No place I'd rather be."


	9. Devote

A/N: For everyone who has been asking for Martha. Next chapter will be longer and more exciting, promise.

* * *

"My darling!" Martha exclaimed as she breezed her way into the loft. "Happy birthday!"

"Thanks gram. You're here early."

"It's your birthday," Martha reasoned as she held up several gift bags. "We have a lot to get through. Is Katherine home yet?"

"She said she might be a little while."

"And how's my great-grandson?"

Alexis grinned and slid her hand over her stomach.

"Calm today. I even managed a good two hour nap before he decided to start rolling all over the place."

"You look more rested. Have you had enough to eat?"

"I'm starving and then I can only eat a few bites."

"So you get to eat all day."

"I do."

They chuckled together and Martha ushered her over to the couch, then piled the gift bags up next to her.

"Gram, you didn't have to-"

"Do you know how much fun you are to shop for, darling?"

"Apparently a lot."

Martha smiled and handed her the first bag.

"We can change out the frame on this if it doesn't match but I thought you might like the photo either way."

Alexis pulled an eight by ten frame out of the bag and turned it around to find a baby picture.

"Is… is that dad?"

"It is. The day he was born. I couldn't get his hair to lay down for about two months."

"He was so cute. Did he always wrinkle his nose like that?"

"It was his signature look for a while."

"I wonder if the baby will be anything like dad."

"I hope so."

Alexis gazed at the picture a while longer, then settled it onto the coffee table.

"I think I have a good place for that in the nursery. Do you happen to have a picture of you and dad from that day?"

"I have one stored somewhere. I'll find it for you later. Open the next one."

Pretty soon Alexis had amassed a pile of new clothes and books, along with a few things for the baby. She picked up the picture again and pulled her legs up onto the couch with her as she looked it over.

"Gram, can you tell me what it was like? Raising him on your own?"

"It was hard," Martha admitted after a silence. "And I think I was ill-equipped to do it very well. The first days home were terrifying. I was so afraid of dropping him or doing something wrong that I sat in bed most of the time. The hospital sent a nurse over every other day for the first few weeks and after a couple of visits it was like a fog cleared and all the intuition kicked in. It was still hard and it was still frightening, but he was such a delight, Alexis. He didn't cry often and was content just to be next to me. There were times that I wondered what the future held. If I would be able to support him, or if I would be with him enough. How was I going to make it to auditions without a sitter? What about late shows? It was overwhelming. But I would look down at his face and be reassured that no matter what, we would be together. It was the two of us against the world. I have never stopped feeling that, darling. No matter how far apart we were, I knew that nothing, not distance, not anger, not death, could ever truly separate us."

"And you still believe that?"

"To this day. I still feel him in my heart, every moment. And when this first happened, that hurt too much. I felt him so close that coming home was like ripping that away. But now, with time, I've found comfort in it. All those years ago, I was right. Nothing can ever really take him away from me. Or from you."

"Gram," Alexis hiccupped as she wiped her tears away. "Thank you."

"I'm just sorry I didn't tell you sooner, darling. I know very well the things you are going to be feeling pretty soon but I promise you, you aren't going to be alone. I will always be here for you. You don't ever have to worry, alright?"

"I know."

Martha moved the gift bags and wrapping paper aside, then drew Alexis into her arms.

"You have to know that we are so very proud of you. You've taken something unplanned and you have turned it into your biggest adventure. I can't wait to see it all unfold."

"Me neither. I can't believe I have to wait over a month still."

"I guess that's the perk of not being told until you were halfway done. It doesn't seem like a long wait for me."

Alexis giggled and wiped the remainder of her tears away.

"I'm glad you're here, gram. I really needed you."

"I'll be better, I promise. Now, what would you like for dinner?"

Alexis shrugged.

"Can you make me macaroni and cheese?"

"Are you suggesting it because you know I can't mess it up?"

"Kind of."

Martha laughed and stood from the couch just as the door opened.

"Katherine darling," Martha greeted enthusiastically. "How was your day?"

"Long," Kate sighed while kicking off her shoes. "Yours?"

"Very productive. I am taking the weekend off."

"Really?"

"I think I've earned it."

Kate smiled and moved to the couch.

"Hey sweets. Doing okay?"

"My feet ache."

"Is your headache gone?"

"For now. Did you get anywhere with your case?"

"We did. Finished up the paperwork and everything."

"Does it help? Bringing justice to someone else?"

"It… gives me hope," Kate answered as she pulled Alexis' feet into her lap. "I have to remind myself sometimes that there's no limit on the mysteries that can be solved. Just because someone else gets their answer doesn't mean that I'll never get mine."

"Can I come in with you next week? Just for a day, sort files or something? I'm going stir crazy."

"Sure. I think between me and Gates, we can find some things that need to be done."

"Thanks."

"How's your heart today?"

"I don't know. I'm sad."

"The first birthday without my mom wasn't easy. I still had my dad but he was so far into the bottle then. And without your parents you almost feel like you're not tethered to the world anymore."

"That's exactly what it feels like. Even though I know dad is out there somewhere, I'm drifting."

"It will feel better. There will be a lot of times when you feel like that. But when he comes home, it won't matter much anymore, will it?"

"No, it won't."

Kate smiled and pulled Alexis into a hug.

"I love you, sweetheart. Thanks for being born. I don't know what the heck I would do without you."

"I love you too. Thanks for… you know, for being my mom sometimes."

"Any time you need me, kiddo."


	10. Distinct

A/N: Sorry for the extra week between chapters. I couldn't make myself edit because this chapter is long and important and my brain has been elsewhere.  
And I know, I know, I know you guys want Castle to come back. He will. Just not for a while.

* * *

"Alright kiddo," Kate started as she grabbed her coat and keys. "I'm going to go to work for a bit and then I'll be back for dinner."

"Mm-hmm."

"The turkey can go in the oven in about an hour."

"Yeah."

"Alexis, are you alright?"

"Fine."

"With gritted teeth you say that."

"It's just a contraction, it's fine."

"Just… dude!" Kate hollered, at a loss for any words other than that.

"What? I'm fine. It's probably nothing."

"Nothing… Alexis you're a week overdue, it had better be something."

"It's been going on for two days and nothing has happened so far."

"Two- Are you kidding me?"

"Why are you yelling?"

Kate sat down on the coffee table and reached over for Alexis' hand.

"Sweetheart, you can be in denial about a lot of things but labor is not one of them. You can't just hold off because dad isn't here."

"I'm not in denial."

"I know you better than that. How far apart are they?"

Alexis sighed and let her body sink into the couch.

"Six minutes or so."

"Okay. You call your doctor, I'll go get the bag and the carseat."

"No!"

"Alexis, I know you're scared, and I know you think you're not ready, but there is no stopping this now. Do you hear me? We're leaving and when we come back, there's going to be a baby with us."

Tears ran down Alexis' pale cheeks and she shook her head.

"He's safe in there. I can keep him safe."

"I know."

"I don't think I can-"

She stopped talking and moaned as she curled around her stomach. Kate kept a hold of her hand until it passed.

"Sweetheart, it's time to go. You've got to put on that cape and tights and be Wonder Woman."

"I don't want to think about myself in spandex right now, it's not funny."

"Regardless. We need to go."

"You have to work."

"No, not now. Call your doctor. I'll be right back."

Kate stole up the stairs while sending a text to Captain Gates to explain the situation. She grabbed the bag from the floor just inside Alexis' bedroom, then moved across the hallway to what used to be the guest room. She only meant to grab the car seat but she stopped in the middle of the room and tried to catch her breath instead. There was a baby coming. A tiny newborn baby who would need someone for everything. His world view would be shaped greatly by his family. It was a much greater responsibility than she'd allowed herself to realize. She didn't know what they were going to do.

She made her way back down the stairs and put everything by the door.

"Lex, did you call?"

"Yeah. She said to go in."

"Okay. Need help with your shoes?"

"I need help with everything."

"Well that works out fine because everything is exactly what I'd do for you. Feet up."

"You're so corny."

"You're lucky to have me."

"I might change my mind on that eventually."

* * *

"I'm too tired. I can't do this anymore," Alexis panted almost 24 hours later.

"Yes you can."

"It hurts too much."

"Hey, look at me. You got this. Alexis, you got this. You're doing such a good job. It's not going to be much longer, okay? And you're dealing way better than Pi did."

Alexis snorted a laugh and shook her head. He had been pushed from the room over an hour ago by the doctor, who said she wasn't going to have him passing out when she was trying to deliver a baby. It didn't bother Alexis that Pi couldn't handle this, but she did feel badly that he wouldn't witness his son coming into the world.

"I want my dad."

"I know, baby. I want him too. But you're going to have to put that out of your mind now okay? You're going to have to keep working. I've got your hand, I'm not going anywhere."

Alexis nodded and accepted the kiss to her forehead, then took a moment to gather herself before setting to work again. It was the worst pain she had ever felt, the most terrifying journey she would ever go on, and she felt like she was trying to hold on to shards of her previous life while fully embracing this new one. Though she wasn't entirely prepared for the physical parts of labor and delivery, she was grossly underprepared for the emotional ones.

But suddenly a heavy and warm weight was placed onto her chest and she startled when her eyes opened and she found her baby. He was covered in things that Alexis didn't want to think too much about, and his mouth was open in a silent cry, but he was perfect, beautiful, hers.

"Hi Rowan," she greeted tearfully, using the blanket to wipe off his face. "I'm your mommy."

His body reflexively stretched and Alexis looked up at the closest nurse for some kind of reassurance.

"Why isn't he crying?"

"He will. Just needs a little encouragement."

The nurse leaned down and began to rub Rowan's back vigorously, which caused him to finally give a loud cry and expel some fluid from his mouth.

"There, see? He's just fine. We'll let you have a minute before we clean him up."

"Kate, can you see him?"

"Yeah, I can see him just fine. He's perfect. Loud too. Wonder where he gets that from."

Alexis chuckled and pulled the blanket closer around the pink, wriggling body. Rowan cried hard and she shushed him, trying to pull him into what she assumed was a more comfortable position. He seemed to grumble at the movement but soon settled down and opened his eyes, blinking hard against the light.

"I know, it's so bright," Alexis soothed. "Well turn the lights off soon baby."

"Okay, who's cutting the cord?" another nurse asked cheerily as she approached with a pair of sinister looking scissors.

"I can go get Pi. He might be able to stomach it," Kate offered.

"No," Alexis argued gently, eyes still fixed on Rowan. "You."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"But-"

"It has to be you. Please?"

"I… I guess it's me."

She was handed the scissors and the nurse directed her to cut carefully between two clamps. Rowan whined because he was slightly unwrapped from the blanket and Kate's hands shook at the importance of the moment. It was something she had never pictured herself doing, not in a million years.

"I'm going to take him right over there for a little bath and a check up and I'll bring him back in just a few minutes, okay?"

Alexis nodded and relinquished the baby before wiping at her eyes and sniffling.

"You good, sweetie?"

"I think so."

"You're incredible. I'm so proud of you."

"I can't believe I did that."

"Did you think he was going to stay in there forever?"

"About an hour ago, yeah I really did. Can you see him? Is he okay?"

"Looks like they're weighing him and taking his temperature. I'm sure he'll be back here in just a minute."

"Can you make sure to take pictures for dad? He'll want to see them when he comes home."

"I will."

"But no pictures of me, I don't even want to think about how I look right now."

"You look just fine."

"Hey. Thanks for staying here."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else, Alexis."

"I know but… it was pretty gross and you haven't slept in a day and you only got one cup of hospital coffee, that's not nearly enough to make you happy."

"Honey, it doesn't matter, because I love you, okay?"

"I love you too."

A nurse moved over to the side of the bed and checked the readouts on the monitor.

"Do you want me to go let dad and grandma know?"

"Yes. When can they come in?"

"We'd like you to deliver the placenta first and do another round of apgar scores and then we'll let them in."

"I'm thirsty."

"I'll bring you some more water."

She moved away from the bed and Alexis glanced over at Kate with tears in her eyes.

"I need a hug."

Kate obliged, and held the girl as close as she could.

"It's so weird. He was just in there and now he's out and I… it's so weird."

"I know."

"Are they bringing him back?"

"Give them a minute. You're not totally done yet."

"Gee thanks for reminding me."

"Do this and you can have a giant burger for dinner."

* * *

It was almost an hour before Pi and Martha were allowed into the room. Alexis was exhausted and slumped down in the bed, but smiled widely when she saw them. Pi scurried to her side and she scooted over so he could sit next to her.

"Are you ready?"

Pi nodded and held his hands out for the baby. As soon as they were settled he looked down and unashamedly let tears run down his cheeks.

"He's perfect."

"He really is," Alexis agreed. "Look, he has your hands."

"My hands," Pi whispered. "My son."

Alexis smiled and rested her head on his shoulder.

"The nurse said his eyes are still a little swollen but they should go down by tomorrow. And his reflexes are perfect, they said he's really strong too."

"I'm sorry I had to step out."

"It's okay. We both knew it might happen. And honestly I don't think I could have stood where you were and watched that."

"Thank you. For taking such good care of him. He's incredible."

"Despite us."

Martha and Kate held back by the door and let them have their family moment. It wasn't ideal, but a few more minutes of space couldn't hurt.

"How did she do?" Martha whispered.

"She wanted to give up, but she was amazing, Martha. I can't believe she was able to do that."

"And how are you?"

"I don't think I've ever loved like this before. It's surreal."

"Thank you for being there with her."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else. C'mon, I think it's time you meet Rowan."

Martha followed Kate further into the room and took a chair by the bed.

"How are you feeling, darling?"

"Exhausted. And totally wired."

"Any pain right now?"

"Sore mostly. I fed him too, that was weird."

"So that means a diaper is on the way."

"Took that one already," Kate said with a half smile. "He's quick."

"I thought we could put him in his first outfit," Alexis mumbled as she tried to sit up.

"You sure?"

"I don't want him in that scratchy shirt. Can you get the thing out of the… uh…"

"Yes, but after this maybe you should try and sleep."

"It's morning."

"You've been awake for over 24 hours honey. We'll change him and then you need a nap."

"What if he needs me?"

"We'll wake you up," Kate reasoned as she pulled an outfit of the bag. "This one?"

"Mm, sure."

"Okay, here you go, daddy."

"Me?" Pi nearly squeaked.

"You're the only daddy here."

"What if I hurt him?"

"You won't hurt him. Here, I'll show you."

Martha and Pi worked together to change Rowan's clothes, even though the baby wasn't happy about it. He screamed and flailed his arms until Alexis took him back and cuddled him close.

"Are you hungry?" Pi fretted unsure of what to do with his hands.

"I'm starving."

"I can go grab you some dinner while you sleep."

"No, I'll go," Martha offered. "You should stay here, Pi. Katherine, coffee?"

"Yes, please."

"I'll be back soon."

Martha slipped from the room and Kate busied herself with cleaning up a little bit. It had slowed down slightly but it was still a whirlwind. Cleaning up gave her a little bit of control. She could hear Alexis and Pi murmuring together and a small sliver of stress melted away. It seemed that they were finding a mutual page to be on.

"Kate?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you have the camera? I thought it was over here."

"Sorry, I moved it. Sweetheart, are you sure you're okay? You look so tired."

"I need to go to sleep."

"Let Pi take Rowan for a while. It's okay, you won't miss anything."

"I can't move."

Pi took the baby and stood up while Kate leaned over and helped Alexis to lay down.

"Comfortable?"

"Not really. It's fine."

"We'll wake you up for food."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Alexis drifted off easily and Kate covered her with an extra blanket. She paused there for a moment, looking down at her almost step-daughter, who she had never imagined she would love this much. It was strange how easily and fully Kate had opened her heart, and without fear.

"The doctors said he's healthy, right?" Pi asked from his place by the window. Kate bit back a smile when she realized he was gently swaying back and forth.

"He's perfect."

"And Alexis is okay too?"

"She's fine. Don't feel guilty that you weren't here. It happens to a lot of people."

"I should have tried harder. I never meant for her to be alone."

"She wasn't. I was here."

Pi nodded, then sat down and looked at his son.

"It wasn't a sign of things to come. I want you to know that. I will always be here for her."

"I know you will. I know you're worried about being a good dad, but you and Castle have a lot more in common than you think. I can see it, even if you can't. Okay?"

"Alexis is still refusing to call her mom. I get that they don't have a close relationship but this is big. You'd think…"

"I know. And I don't think she should be letting a miscommunication get in the way of things, but you know as well as I do that once Alexis sets her mind on something, you can't change it."

"I thought maybe in her weakened state…"

Kate held back a laugh for she too had spent some time with that naïve thought.

"I say we wait until morning, bring it up once more and if she still says no, it's time to drop it."

"I'm no stranger to having issues with your parents, but Alexis won't tell me what happened with her mom."

"In general or specifically?"

"Both. All she's ever really said is that she grew up with her dad and her mom lived in California. The only time she ever said "my parents" she was talking about you and Mr. C. But never once did she talk about her mom."

Kate frowned and sat on the chair next to the bed. It was Alexis' story to tell, and it wasn't like Kate herself really knew all that much anyway.

"Meredith put her career over her family. It's been very obvious to Alexis since she was small. And when she told Meredith that she was pregnant, it turned into a fight."

"She cut off her mom because she thought that's what would be better for Rowan," Pi deduced simply.

"In the long and short of it, yes."

"Wow."

Kate glanced over at Alexis, then reached for her pale hand to give it a squeeze. This family thing never failed to overwhelm her.

* * *

"Hey little boy," Alexis cooed as she fitted a small hat onto Rowan's head. "Look at you with your eyes all open. Are you ready to go home?"

Rowan, of course, gave no response, but Alexis smiled anyway and leaned forward to kiss his cheeks.

"I'm ready to go home too. Your daddy gets to stay for a few days and your Nona will be off of work and Gram will be home too. Only your Papa will be missing but we won't be sad about that right now. Can I ask you a favor though? Can you be patient with me? I'm really not sure what I'm doing here, and I want to make all the right decisions for you, but I'm not always sure what they are. So if I mess up sometimes, you'll forgive me, right? Thank you, sweetheart."

Rowan yawned.

"I think we can take a nap when we get home. We'll have to start figuring out how to sleep, huh? I guess we have a lot to figure out, actually. You and me against the world. We won't be all alone, of course. We have our family. But you and I have each other in a different way. It'll be great, you'll see."

The door opened and Kate stepped in quietly.

"Hey honey. The nurse is bringing up your discharge papers, and Pi is getting the car seat ready."

"Okay."

"Everything alright?"

"Kinda scared."

"Me too."

"You are not."

"I've never been more scared-er."

"Shut up," Alexis giggled as Kate sat down next to her.

"You can do this, sweetheart. Promise. And we'll all be right there with you."

Alexis nodded and let herself be folded into Kate's arms, one of the only places that made sense anymore.

"Can you imagine if your dad was here?" Kate mused after a moment. "He probably would have dressed Rowan in eighteen different outfits and taken pictures of all of them to show off. I mean, poor Rowan would probably be dressed as an Ewok right now."

Alexis snorted.

"And he would be waiting on you hand and foot. He would have been able to bribe the delivery driver to come all the way here to bring your favorite pizza. He would have been the one to semi-sleep in that chair last night, but with less grace than I, he would have found himself on the floor around four a.m."

"Poor dad."

"And he would still happily declare it was one of the best days of his life."

"He would."

"Lex?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks for letting me be here."

"Are you kidding? If you weren't here I'd be curled up in a corner hallucinating or something."

Kate chuckled and dropped a kiss to Alexis' hair.

"I love you, kiddo."

"I love you too."

"You know, this is going to be a great adventure. I promise. It's going to be hard, but what journey isn't?" Kate said optimistically, with a little more confidence than she felt.

"It's going to be really hard. And exhausting. And probably very poopy."

"Yes. But so was the Oregon trail. Right? And look what happened."

"You know, I used to play the Oregon Trail game and only put in people I hated, and then I wouldn't treat them when they got dysentery."

"Are you trying to foreshadow that you'll be leaving me behind at a river crossing, Alexis? Because if that's the case, you know I'm a strong swimmer."

"This is getting weird."

"You're stuck with me, that's all. I'm here. We can fight, we can get lost in Wyoming, I could contract scurvy, whatever. You've got me. Understand?"

"I always do. I really love you, Kate. And not just for this. I hope you know that."

"Had a slight suspicion. You should get up and dry your hair. It's cold out."

"Such a mom," Alexis muttered as she slowly stood from the bed. "Don't teach my child other languages while I'm gone."

"You got it, boss," Kate said on a chuckle while she lifted Rowan up and into her arms. "Hey bubba. I missed you a lot in the twenty minutes I was gone. Yes I did. I'm already forgetting that I actually have a job I have to go back to soon. Who would have ever thought that mean old Kate Beckett would want to quit her job to hang out with a baby all day? Certainly not Kate Beckett herself."

She heard Alexis snicker from the bathroom before the blow dryer turned on.

"Let me let you in on a little secret. This family is super weird. I know, you're thinking that every family is super weird, but honestly kid… look, someday you'll meet your Papa and you'll know what I'm talking about. Just… hold on for the ride, okay?"

Kate settled the baby against her chest and gently drew her finger over his full cheek.

"I'm going to love you until I die, Rowan. Promise. I'll always be here."

She slid her finger into his hand and rested her cheek on the top of his head. He smelled so good and was so warm and new and innocent that she felt a lump rise in her throat. How could this amount of love and joy exist in the same time and space as sorrow and fear? How could she be the happiest she had ever been and yet so angry? How could she continue to enjoy all the moments that Castle had to miss?

"Kate? What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing, honey. I'm fine. It's just… he's missing a lot."

"I know."

"I'm angry for him. It's not fair. It's not fair to us or to Rowan either."

"I hope that when dad comes back we can tell him everything. That we won't forget things and we can make him feel like he's a part of us still."

"We have to be intentional about this too. Just like we promised to give Rowan the best childhood ever, we have to make sure that we don't take any of it for granted."

"Deal."

"Okay, are we ready to go home?" the nurse asked as she came through the door with a handful of paperwork. Alexis glanced up at her, then back to Kate and Rowan.

"Yeah. I'm ready."


End file.
